From Victim to Survivor

I grew up in a very small rural town in eastern Pennsylvania where my father bought a house about a mile from where he was raised.  He became one of the most successful businessmen in the town, even though he dropped out of school around eighth grade. My father was very business savvy, and could make money grow on trees, or so it seemed. He loved me the best way he knew how, which was to support us financially, too bad that wasn't enough. 

 

My first memory of the abuse was when I was around 7 or 8. My older brother, "Charlie" got angry at me for something I did. He showed that anger by chasing me up the steps, grabbing my ankles, and yanking me down them. I remember my chin hitting the wood and slamming my teeth together. As the years went by, his rage increased. Sometimes it would only take my prescence to set him off. He would break down my door, yank me out from under my bed, and strangle me until I lost consciousness. Eventually, I hid in a suitcase in the attic space, out of fear that he would unalive me if he found me. 

 

However, Charlie wasn't he only one that abused me. Our mother battled mental health issues her whole life, and it seemed to get worse after having me. I attribute part of it to PPD, but no one can be certain. When I was around four years old, she admitted herself into the institution to get help, and I still see it as one of the bravest things she's ever done. I admire her strength for doing that, yet once I found out the reason she admitted herself, and the intrusive thoughts she was having that she was planning on carrying out, I never looked at her the same again. My mother ruled with an iron fist, and if you disobeyed or angered her in any way, you would have the bruises to show for it. She was the main person who made me lose trust in humans as a whole, and the reason I will understand love. She was a narcissist who only liked someone when they served her. Once I stopped serving her, it didn't matter that I was her daughter, she had no reason for me in her life. The pain a mother can inflict on a child emotionally when abandoning them, is unmatched by any other. It's the main pain I'm not sure I'll ever heal from. 

 

As a teenager, I decided to move out of my childhood home to put some space between myself and my abusers, and begin to heal. However, this led to a very violent physical altercation between me and my mother, that I'm lucky to have walked away from. As my father stood by and watched my mother go into a blind rage and attempt to unalive me, my brother finally stepped in and pulled her off of me allowing me to escape. My body was battered and bruised, but that pain was nothing compared to looking into my mother's eyes that night, and seeing her desire to end my life. 

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Due to what I've been through, I've been in and out of therapy most of my life. In 2013, my therapist had me do an exercise where I wrote down dreams, memories, stories etc. and read them to her during our sessions to help heal from my past. While reading some of the memories, she voiced that my stories would make a great book to help other victims of abuse and domestic violence. 

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I took her advice, and over the next few months, I wrote Charlie's Secret on my dinosaur of a desktop computer. I wrote, formatted, edited, and self-published with no help, and I don't regret a second of it. Publishing my story about my childhood and what I've been put through by the people I loved, was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I was petrified of what people would think, and if they would even believe me.  What made my story so special?

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 Charlie's Secret took off, becoming and Amazon bestseller in several countries all over the world. It's been added to college curriculum, used in DV and abuse courses, handed out in women's shelters, shared by a major radio DJ, and even sparked the interest of Dr. Phil.  I've received thousands of emails from people from all over the country sending me their own abuse stories, and thanking me for telling mine. 

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I am thankful to be where I am, after where I came from. 

I am a warrior. 

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You can follow me on:

tiktok- @cl_heckman

Instagram- c.l._heckman

facebook- C.L. Heckman - author

 

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